Last night I let Gigi (Read: “My Dog Is a Better Person Than Everyone”) out for her nighttime constitutional and she didn’t run to her usual spot in the yard. Instead, she made a bee-line for my car and was scrambling around trying to get to whatever was under it. At first I thought it might be one of the kitties, but I looked around and they were all accounted for. In fact, they were circled around like the audience at the Roman Coliseum. I should have realized that this was a omen of things to come.
I got down on all-fours and peered down under the car, and came face-to-face with a huge, panting opossum. It was clear even at a glance than not only was this opossum a slathering mass of pure evil, full of teeth, claws, and bad intentions, but it was also not well. Even after chucking a few small rocks at it to try to encourage it to leave it’s shelter under the car, it stayed put, swaying and staring like a drunken frat boy at a Dave Matthews concert. I yelled for my daughter and we formulated a plan. Since none of the loaded guns were outside of the secure confines of the gun safe, I grabbed a baseball bat, a flashlight, and the car keys, I handed the bat and the flashlight to my daughter and bravely ran to the car as fast as I could and jumped in.
“Ready? On the count of three!” I said. “One… two… THREE!” I put the car in reverse and the tires spun in the gravel of the driveway as I pulled back, illuminating our adversary in the glow of the headlights. The opossum stood there, seemingly resigned to his fate, and my daughter brought the bat down on his head repeatedly with the gusto of Gallagher confronted with a field of ripe watermelons… and with a similar amount of splatter. By the time I joined the melee, my blows only served to confirm the death or our North American marsupial foe.
We then went inside and washed our hands and clothes, and showered off the stink of murder, while we reassured one another that we had done the right thing by dispatching this creature and saving our homestead from his wicked and potentially infectious intentions.