This week’s news is all about “Fearless” Felix Baumgartner’s world record skydive from twenty-four miles above the surface of the Earth. I wonder what makes people do risky and unwise things like this. He claims it was all about testing and improving upon space suits. Really? Surely there are ways to simulate the environments a space suit has to endure without a two-and-half hour balloon ride up through the stratosphere. And if he was looking for a thrill, there are better ways to get the adrenaline flowing at sea level.
Carjack a South African Driver
South Africa has the highest rate of carjacking in the world. The situation is so dire that residents can legally attach small flamethrowers to cars to repel carjackers. If you’re going to try to steal a car in South Africa, bring marshmallows and an asbestos suit.
Push a Shopping Cart
Shopping carts are the most germ-ridden surfaces in all of creation. Think about it. There are babies in loose-fitting diapers being pulled in and out of the seats. There are dripping packages of raw chicken and fish held over the handle while being scrutinized by discerning shoppers. There are sneezes and coughs that coat their every surface, especially the handle. Frankly, it’s a miracle that anyone survives a trip to the corner market.
Insult Justin Bieber
Go to a Justin Bieber concert and hand out complimentary gift packs that include hair spray, nail files, and disposable lighters. While the crowd is waiting for “The Biebz” to appear, jump up on the stage with a bullhorn and yell “Justin Bieber is gay!” Then throw yourself into the teeming crowd of angry pubescent girls to whom you’ve given improvisational weapons.
Raise a Hive of Japanese Giant Hornets
The vespa mandarinia japonica is the size of your thumb and it can spray flesh-melting poison. I really wish I was making that up. Oh, I should also mention that it shoots the poison into your eyes. One more thing: the poison has a pheromone in it that will attract every hornet in the hive to come over and sting you until you are dead, stop moving, or stop breathing, whichever comes last.