Fly the Friendly Skies

One of the most stressful and anxiety-producing situations I can think of — and I can think of a lot of them — is traveling, particularly air travel.  But, I have a million-dollar idea to make this more pleasant.  This idea would far surpass First Class as the preferred mode of travel for wealthy recluses and vacation travelers alike.  Though a most appropriate name might be “Anxiety Class”, I think the name “Patient Class” might have better marketing value.  Here’s the concept…

Instead of an airport shuttle, an ambulance would pick you up at your home.  You would be administered a low dose of an anesthetic to allow you to slip into a state of complete relaxation.  The attendants would then wrap you up in thick, downy comforters and provide fluffy pillows and you would recline on a gurney for the ride to the hospital.  As an extra added bonus, if you were running a little late for your flight, they attendants could turn on the lights and siren to ensure that you would arrive on time for your flight.

After the drive to the airport, the attendants would push the gurney to your gate, while you relax comfortably, never having to speak to anyone along the way.  If curious onlookers are plentiful, you could pull a sheet up over your head, making it appear that the gurney carries a dead body.  To further this illusion you could stick your foot out of the covers, and brandish a tow tag.

Once safely ensconced in the belly of the airplane, you would be provided with noise cancelling headphones and a selection of specially chosen audio books, as well as a heavy sleeping max.  Should you decide not to be supine for the entire flight, the attendants could raise the gurney into positions that would allow movie viewing, champagne sipping, or crossword puzzling.  The flight attendants would also be equipped with cell phones (that would not be required to be turned off during the flight) so that you could submit your requests for food, drink, and in-flight magazines via text message and without bothersome conversation or eye contact.

At the end of the flight, you would be whisked away to your final destination, able to have a lovely nap before awaking in your new locale.  After all of this pampering, the company quarterly meeting, family holiday get-together, or trade convention you’re attending will seem much more endurable.  And even if your visit is stressful, you can always look forward to the flight home.

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