Employees Say the Darnedest Things

In my day-job, I get to hear some crazy things. I hear why people will miss work, or why they violated this or that policy, or why they are so full or righteous anger against their oppressive employer that it keeps them warm at night.

Here are some of my favorite quotes that I have heard during these conversations:


    “You can’t expect us to work all of the time we’re on the clock.”

    “My baby daddy’s gonna mess your baby daddy UP!”

    “I’m going to have to call out today. I cut myself shaving and there’s bloody toilet paper everywhere. I’ll bring it in to show you if you want.”

    “I can’t be on her team. She makes me… well… I can’t tell you because you’re a lady.”

    “Stupid customers! I wish they would all go away!”

    “Yeah, I knew it would piss her off when I put a picture of me and her boyfriend kissing in my cube. But she should keep it professional, you know?”

    “I was late so I brought donuts. That makes it ok, right?  Have a donut.”

    “Yeah, I put that credit on my own account. We put credits on customers’ accounts all the time. I’m a customer, right?”

    “The smoking area is a non-HR area. If I want to talk about the Pope raping kids, or hedgehogs, or whatever, it’s my First Amendment right.”

    “I had to call my party planner while I had my customer on hold. I couldn’t use my break time. That’s my time.”

    “Hey. I don’t know why they went all crazy and shit. I mean, you know how bitches are. You’re one of them, right?”

    “She was wearing a T-shirt that said, ‘Look at my tots,’ with pictures of potatoes on it. How could I not compliment her ‘tots’. It would be rude not to.”

    “I want to request some kind of disaster leave. I have a flat tire and my kids are a mess.”

    “Did my time off get approved for my trip to Six Flags this weekend? If not, I’ll have to call out using FMLA.”

    “Just look at this spider bite! [Lifts skirt to reveal inner, upper thigh.] I have to leave and go to the doctor!”

3 thoughts on “Employees Say the Darnedest Things

  1. I have only said “Stupid customers! I wish they would all go away!”, when we had a bunch in the store at 8:55 and we close at 9.

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